OMFG!

Where did this come from???



My apothecary must have sprung out a chile while I wasn't looking!

Tad is going to KILL me. At least the jar was only $14.00 at Target :P

It's All Good

First off...thank you Maggie! The card cracked me up and that's always a Good Thing.

Secondly it IS all good because I'm not dead, terminal or even feeling sickly. I have a kick ass life AND husband AND family and friends that I know I'm damn fortunate to have.

My next round of The Juice is this friday and then 1 more after that for in early November (then the next 3 month series begins early Dec.) so I should be great for Thanksgiving. I hope the BIL comes with my sister and niece this time. I think it might help him feel a little better, for a time anyway, and maybe he and Tad can go hit a few golf balls if they stay long enough and the weather cooperates. They gave us a place to stay when we had to evacuate and I hope we can give a little back during the holidays because I know for a fact the holidays won't be the same again for them now that JP is gone.

I think when a person has experienced such a huge loss and especially an unexpected death of a child, their life changes forever. I can't imagine how people can find the strength to go on after the loss of a child or parent or any loved one, but particularly your child.

On to more pleasant topics. I'll put our Halloweenie pics, a wig pic and my new finished project an apothecary jar terrarium (another idea I stole from my sister). I think I'm going through an apothecary jar terrarium jag I LOVES THEM! I may run to Target or Pier One today and try to find another good sized jar since I have all the ingredients left over but the container and a coupla small plants.

Whelp that's about IT for all the news worth repeating :P

Thanks for reading!

I can not WAIT for this POS year to be over

And I hope to fkn hell 2009 is an improvement. This year has been one of the worst, very hard on just about everyone in my family. Except for my idiot brother.

My sister's step-son JP just died of a massive stroke. I think he was in his late 30's. He left 2 little girls and a wife.

My BIL Larry was an only child. His father left him and his mother and then joined the service, was in WWII and came back messed up. He was found floating in a ravine, then his mother commited suicide. My BIL was I think 12 at the time and saw his mother right after, then went to live with his grandparents. Larry doesn't know of any aunts or uncles, just has my sister, his 2 kids from a previous marriage, JP and Debbie, and my neice Noel.

My sister is so overwrought that she doesn't want to speak with our mom because she doesn't want mom to hear her crying, so she calls every so often to talk to our step-father Chuck and let him know what's happening. She doen't want to talk with me right now either. I think right now she is doing all she can to hold it together. It's been a hard few years for her and I think this is one thing too much and it's unbearable. I can understand that.

I'll post more later on.

How Lucky Are We?

Tad and I plus ALL of my folks are damn lucky. No major home damage. Just a few shingles off the roof and the fence is down, but we needed a new one anyway, not that we need the fkn expense!

We evacuated to my sister's and BIL's and boy was that sumpin'! Their house is gorgeous and the sister broke out a shit-ton of Halloweenie's and did lot's of decoratin' and I loved it. It was great seeing all of them and Tad finally meeting the BIL. I think he didn't believe there was one and that it was a figment.

We came home and my mom and step father's power was still out so they came and stayed with us for a week. I am so happy we were able to take care of them for a change, and tried to keep them on their routine as much as possible. I loved having them here. I know I'll remember these times in the future when they're gone.

As for me the 2nd chemo party went well this pat friday. No sickness....yay! PLUS the good ole Doc gave me ambien to sleep and that shit knocks me out for almost 8 hrs. It is miraculous! He says it's not habit forming but we'll see.

Tad worked his ass off cleaning up the yard and the neighbor behind us cut up all of our downed fence and stacked it on the curb, so now I'll have to stop bitching about his gunning his loud ass motorcycle in his driveway at 7:30a and then riding the thing almost every damn hour. It really was very very considerate of him and I'm going to have them over for dinner in a few weeks for a Thank You.

He and Tad are planning on rebuilding the fence soon. Just as soon as the HOA sends us a nasty letter I'm sure!

I put out a few Halloweenies and bought a few more so I may now have TWO boxes full of scaries! Watch out Jess...I'm gaining on you! *laugh* :P

TITTIES!

I now have TWO bodacious bras and TWO silicone boobs..HOTT DAMN! Gawd help me I did buy another wig but it is so kick ass I just couldn't help myself *cry*

Those rubber tits really do the job. A person would have to get way too close to my junk to spot a difference and if someone besides the husband or the doc gets THAT close expect to draw back a bloody stump. These bitches even feel exactly like my remaining tittay. It is amazing.

Second Silhouette is in need of a fitter so I'm filling out the application. It'll be a little work here and there so a bit of monies plus I'll know first hand what some of the ladies needing prosthetic breasts and wigs are going through. It'll be a way that I can help and that's a good thing.

My wonderful husband who has been so patient and supportive with this fkn mess took us out on Labor Day to Garden Ridge and bought almost a whole basket of Halloweenies!!!!! I immediately put them on display.

After sniveling about Jess having EIGHT BOXES of Halloweenies and me with my pitiful one bag I think Tad felt a bit sorry for me so now I can buy one of those big plastic storage boxes and have ONE box at least! No way can I keep up with Mrs. Boyd. She done got wayyyyy ahead of this gurrrl! We will have to buy resin tombstones though. The styrofoam ones are crap.

My 1st chemo party is this Fri at 9:40a and oh I am SO fkn excited about THAT *sarcasm*. At least it'll be one treatment down and then I have the bald head to look forward to and I'm sure THAT will be a fkn trill!! Good thing I has LOTS of hair ready. Blech. I'd best stop whining at least I'm not terminal. It could have been crotch cancer and ruined my down-there junk. No matter, it can ALWAYS be worse so Ac Cen Tu Ate the positive just like Ol' Johnny Mercer's song.

Flipping Out

I DO love the show, but I'm referring to the conversation I had with my sister the other day. I keep saying (and feeling) that I'm doing very well, not letting this shit get me down much...but I said "I guess I could flip right the fuck out any minute though!" so to that she responds "hmmm..."

I don't think I will. Not even when the hair starts falling out in clumps and I have to buzz it all off. My Frankentitty isn't freaking me out so I doubt the hair loss will.

I'm not looking forward to the chemo and radition except for the fact that it *might* keep the cancer from returning. I've heard plenty of horror stories and then again talked to ladies in the waiting room at MD Anderson who are Wig Wearers and they've told me it's really not all that bad. That they get tired a few days after treatment but then start feeling better after a week or so.

It's different for everyone plus it depends on the formula. It looks like I'll be taking large doses because my cancer was so far along.

I've been eating much healthier foods (except for the dozen chocolates I inhaled today) and getting plenty of rest. I still tire easily so I'm not back 100% yet and I know the chemo isn't going to help either.

What I think most about all of this is that it's a nuisance, very inconvenient but it's only a year or so out of my life to hopefully save me for a while and best case is remission for many many years. That's my hope.

That's it for now...back to cleaning!

Thanks for reading :~D

Frankentitty

Once again I didn't want to cook so we pick up Popeye's. Somewhere in a conversation I'm talking about how the boob will look after surgery and telling Tad most likely I'm going to freak the fuck out all over again. So he says "frankentitty" or it may have been boobie, but it was funny.

I know it won't be funny this time next week, and I'm stressing about seeing myself for the first time. I imagine I'll go into shock again and it may last for a while. Lots of crying and not to mention it'll be painful. I hope I get really good pain meds and if the fucking insurance will cave on the Lexapro I can start taking them and it'll start to work before surgery.

This is going to be hard shit but as everything else in life it will get better. I have to keep strong and do what I can to be healthy. I can do Popeye's every so often too if I want.

I ought to call the insurance company myself and tell them what is happening and they can hear me cry about this shit. I'm not going to waste my energy on that being as insurance company's primary interest is to do as little as possible, so if a certain med cost THEM a lot to cover they refuse even though you badly need it.

It's 2p and I'm still in my pajamas and haven't brushed my teeth yet so I need to get cracking.

I'm doing very well considering

I think my mind set is getting better. Plus I've been looking at post mastectomy pictures for a long while now so I'll be as prepared as you can be just looking at pics, for what I'm going to look like. What I'm focusing on now is food. Organic produce and such and cutting back on red meat and ANY meat with hormones. Soy milk, tofu and soy beans are all good for cancer patients, I just have to be sure to get enough protein.

I have a vegetarian friend that's going to outline his daily eating habits so that'll be a help.

I did talk with the plastic surgeon and he said as long as radiation doesn't scar my pectoral muscle and cause it to harden, then I'll have a very good chance of a nice reconstruction. I wish I didn't have to have radiation. The side effects can be lung cancer and heart disease. Chemotherapy isn't a peach either but I've been reading non stop about all of the treatments and it looks like radiation is a fucker.

Nothing I can do about it though so I may as well chillax.

I had an EKG, pee/pregnancy test and blood test this morning, pre-op stuff.

My Oncologist called in a prescription for Lexapro so I can start taking anti-depressants to help with the shock I'm about to go through.

Tad has been absolutely incredible. We've had a blowup but we're both stressed. He's taken me to all the appt.s, and been right there in the room during everything. I am SO fucking lucky. I really think if I didn't have him I don't know that I would have done anything about this, considering the mental state I was in. I probably would have been happy about it, and it pains me to admit that. I was in horrible shape back then...

Anyway, I'm doing well and preparing myself as best I can. My sister is coming in Wed. to be there for surgery and probably boss people around. She is a trauma unit nurse in Dallas so I just know she is going to make sure everyone is on top of what they should be, poor medical staff. That's just fine with me but do NOT piss of the surgeon!

The Latest

I met with my Oncologist, Dr. Craig Kovitz at MD Anderson here in Clear Lake.

I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma III. He said he felt that most likely I would need a full mastectomy due to the size of the mass, but he did say that once he and the other oncologists and surgeons view all of the images of my mammogram, MRI and sonogram, plus after they test the rest of me to be sure there is no other cancer going on other than my breast, then they'll make their recommendation (or several if there is a possibility of a lumpectomy vs mastectomy) and we go from there.

I've contacted my plastic surgeon and should hear back from his office tomorrow. Maybe I can have reconstructive surgery at the time of mastectomy, or I may have to wait a year or so. There is a lot still up in the air right now.

I also went by Becky's Wig & Mastectomy shop and was stunned at the amount of wigs....thousands!!!!! I found a few that look ok, but a wig is a wig. I don't know what's going to be more stressful, the loss of one of my pretty she-bits or being a fucking baldy. I think if it wasn't for the baldness it was sure as hell be much easier to take. Well, looking on the brighter side at least there are wigs to be had that really don't look too shabby. I can grow another boob, I know it won't be a match, but shit.....

I've become upset a few times and cried and asked Tad if this is going to have an affect (as in our sex life), and he said "Penny, I didn't marry you because of the bag of meat you happen to walk around in."

That made me laugh.

I'm so lucky. I hope my luck holds out and the rest of me is clean.

I'll update again when I know more.

I'm OK

Lots of thoughts are racing around. I guess that's normal.

I realize I'm not special. Many many women and men so I've been told by Dr. Gaskill at the Victory Breat Clinic, have breast cancer. Man have mamograms, can you imagine a guy getting his man-tit squished??? Funny shit.

I know I'm not special. The clinic didn't hone that in for me. I know how many cases are out there. It just so happened I became one of them. That clinic is packed full of women with breast problems.

I have to laugh at this next bit...I've NEVER been so happy to focus on our budget and pay bills and grocery shopping. Routine is good.

I dug my ass out of bed this morning and literally scrubbed the bathroom in my pajamas. I sniveled a bit. I was thinking I hope I can have surgery and treatment and then be able to come home and have my life with Tad. Do the budget, grocery shop, take care of him because he makes the money and it's because of him I can live my life for once with some peace and safety.

I love Tad and it's because of him I have hope. My past is a shit hole and we won't go there.

Worst case, even if something else is going on, I have what I have now with My Tad. I'm not going to be a whiner.

Now I'm wondering when a doctor tells you "even though your cells are advanced it IS very treatable"...wtf does that mean?

Everything is treatable, there is a treatment. Skin your knee and slap a bandaid on it. There, it's treatable.

There's treatment for cancer. Lots of types and some are agressive and can matastisize quickly. So now I wait to find out when my appt, is at MD Anderson (thankfully there is a branch here in Clear Lake) and I assume I will have a full body MRI to see if anything else is happening.

I'm definitely going to have my boob either entitirely removed or a lumpectomy. I would have to guess the size of the mass, I won't be shocked if my boob is gone. That's ok though and I'll tell you why.

Dr. Abdel Fustok is a miracle worker. This man rebuilds burn victims. I had a lot of consultations when I was debating implants. Some of those doctors really fucking grossed me out. He didn't. The first consultation there was a little girl who had severe burns on her face and most of her hair was gone. I felt like a pretentious piece of shit sitting there wanting boobs and there sat this little girl. It made me cry, but I held most of it in until I was in his office then I broke down.

He was so kind. He said "I am an artist and I help people either enhance what God has given them, or rebuild the misfortune that has taken place. He showed me her pictures and by damn even though I though she didn't look well, he had already begun restructuring her cheeks and nose and skin and hair grafts. He explained it would take years, but since she was a young girl there was an excellent chance she would live a normal live and be beautiful. Plus he had a few cosmetics experts on hand that can do fucking miracles, I shit you not.

So, my moral here is, no matter what my outcome, the horror of my childhod, the shit hole hell job I left, all that aside, I AM so very very fortunate. I really am.

Maybe this will be a happy ending, by that I mean even if things take a turn for the worse, I have every intention of being brave and facing what might come. I don't fear death. For all I know it could be the best thing ever.

I DO hope I get to live though.

I've talked so much with Tad about where we should retire. We want to be in a small place, maybe a custom built home on a lake where we can drop our fishing poles in the water and just enjoy our old age. I've never wanted to be rich, not money wise anyway. If we get older and can have a nice little place maybe with some water and live out the rest of our time, we will be rich.

That's it for now. I'll try to keep updating here when I can.

Thanks for reading.

Yep

I have cancer. Just as I thought.

How sad.

I'm thinking I wished a long time ago I would have cared more about myself to go to the doc when I should have. I should have had a baseline 6 years ago.

I wish a lot of things were different, but that's done.

I go through the process now and do the best I can.

The problem is I HAVE to want to make it. That may be a hard one, but if I want to live I HAVE to regroup and completely change my mind set. That is either going to save my life or potentially do me in.

Ugh.

So far

I guess this fkn blog took off the color and bold text options.

Oh well, it's free and I shouldn't bitch. Much.

I'm still waiting to hear. I'm going between severe crying jags, fits of distemper, thinking about dying like a dog, and hoping that I won't, that is IF I have cancer. I have odd bits of calm in there too. Dead calm.

Lot's of thoughts or as my sister says "just don't mind fuck yourself". I wonder who doesn't have some mind fuckage when faced with this shit.

Yes I want to know, but then again this morning I was rushing trying to get the fuck out of the house and buy new undies just in case, went to Mass Nursery and fed the tortoise, looked at all the pretty plants and cried and cried. I wish I could run away and never get that call. I was dreading coming home.

The sister suggested I call my doc and ask for an anti-anxiety med, so I did that. It should be ready in about 10 minutes but I ASKED FOR IT THIS MORNING.

So to calm my ass down I took 2 Benadryl and unfortunately am sucking down a vodka and cranberry juice libation. Fuck it.

The very worst part is going to be that call if it's confirmed I have cancer and then having to call my parents. That alone makes me wish I could just die right here and never have to do that.

The Latest

It doesn't look good. Not only is the lump fixed and very large, the lymph nodes are also swollen. A multi-needle biopsy is scheduled for Thurs afternoon, then I should know if I have cancer either by Fri or Mon.

That's all I have for now.

Masters of Horror

I'm not easily creeped out. Last year Tad and I watched a Masters of Horror episode directed by John Carpenter called "Cigarette Burns" and it was fkn horrible. I loved it.

I just bought the dvd for 6 whole bucks on crack-EBay.

Take my advice you peeps that love really psycho screwed up shit and watch Cigarette Burns.

I guarentee it'll mess you up a while.

Pleasant dreams.

The Old Man

I guess I started referring to my Dad as "The Old Man" because when I was a youngster my (at least I thought at the time) cool as snot older brother and sister called him that.

He was released after surgery to a supposed (as my ESM called it) a rehab., so Tad and I went to see him last Sunday. Maybe rehab/nursing home at best.

Getting old can be a real fucking bad thing. There were old peeps everywhere. Some crying, some with obviously advanced dementia/alzheimers.

Anyway, we visited with my Dad. He looked pretty worn, but then again he IS going to be 83 and honestly damn lucky to be in the shape he is. He started coughing a bit in conversation, then it got worse...I asked if he needed water "oh no honey I'm fine" hack hack...then he barfed all over himself. I told the nurse at the desk, next thing there were 5 attendants in the room, one had fresh towels (the ONE in the bathroom had vomit all over it, wonder where that came from?) and what did they do? One of them threw a towel over the mess on his chest and I supposed that was their way of fixing it?? Another asked him what he ate so he would be sure not to eat the same thing.

Anyway, I know he was embarrassed. He was sharing a room with another man who must have had a stroke and when he woke up and saw us there he kept trying to communicate so I went over to him and leaned close, and he kept making gestures with his hands touching his face. Then he started patting my hair and kept trying to speak.

Fuck.

I'm way the hell more afraid of living to be old than I am of dying younger than I should. Definitely. What I saw last Sunday drove that home in a brutal way.

Dad is back at home now and my dipshit brother was visiting this evening when I called to let him know that I may have a problem on my hands (or tit as it were). I think it's best to let everyone know just in case. At least the brother took him a Father's Day present which was thoughtful. Now if the jerk could just mow the damn lawn and give my mother and step-father some financial support since he's been living with them scott free all these years.

He is an embarassment. He will be 56 in July.

Oh well, not a damn thing I can do about that either, just like with most all things. You just ride with whatever comes and do your best.

I know a lot of my posts have been downers but I've been very very fortunate so far, and I'm grateful. I try not to lose sight of The Big Picture. :)

Suck

I have an egg sized lump on my left boob. I noticed this last night (I checked my boobs in March, didn't notice anything) as I got out of the shower. My doc is out today so I have an appt on Monday. Hopefully it's not the dreaded C and just fibroadenoma or some such shit.

In any case I am purchasing the combo pack from Dave Ramsey's site (http://www.uslegalforms.com/dave/). Will, Living Will and Power of Attorney all for $29.00! What a fucking bargain! I can get my shit in order quick just in case then save up to be cremated. I think my sister told me not too long ago you can get cremated fairly cheap, so I'll check into that too. Might as well even if I don't have cancer.

Robert Shapiro can go fuck himself with his Legal Zoom site. Who wants to give that guy a dime? Let's not forget he was part of OJ's team and helped a murderer to walk the streets.

Anyway, back to my boobs. Yes, I'm scared. I've never been afraid of dying but I despise the thought of wasting away and watching the family and loved ones suffer though it all. That is what scares me. Not death. That fucking sucks and not a damn thing you can do about it.

I guess if my boob has to be hacked on if it ends up bothering me enough maybe I can be rebuilt. That'll happen only if I'm cancer free. If not screw it. At that point is a boob significant? No, it is not. There'll be much larger worries than a tit believe me.

In other news I'm making Tad a Fathers Day cake. I went to Michaels and bought all the stuff, made buttercream icing, and so far have the cake iced, the writing and some decorations done, my hand is shaky so it looks kinda crappy but it'll be cute anyway.

I'll post a pic when I'm done.

Family

My father who will be 83 in August decided he needed hip replacement surgery. He's now in a rehabilitation facility and hopefully get back on his feet soon. He's old, lived a hard life, so I'm hoping for the best but also keeping in mind what the worst could be. Who knows, just have to keep good thoughts.

His grandfather was the 1st family (part of the Old 300 http://www.roserichchamber.org/community/old300.aspx ) that was granted land by Stephen F. Austin and settled Missouri City Texas. My father is the last direct descendant living. I've always been interested in the family history and have a load of information and books concerning the family tree and such.

One of the recent articles I've found is the mid-century modern home built by William F. Cody http://www.psmodcom.com/Architects%20Pages/WilliamCody.html for my 2nd cousin Dr. Hampton C Robinson Jr., is in danger of being demolished. The home is located in Quail Valley on Hampton Drive.

I've never been inside the home but have driven by it many many times to look. The first time I saw it was when the property (80+ acres) was still basically undeveloped except for this home and another smaller home on the creek that my "Uncle Joe" (Hampton's older brother and my 3rd cousin) lived in at that time. I was 7.

http://quailvalleyhistory.com/History.html


I'm upset because I know when my father does die, this home may be torn down, and although I can't do anything about my father I wish there would be some way to preserve that home. He's been doing everything he can to stop the progress of the home being demolished, but there is a huge factor in this that I won't discuss here. Most likely there's nothing that can be done, at least by me, but the thought of it makes me ill.

I can't imagine anyone would enjoy what little physical family history that is left being taken down a piece at a time but that is what has been happening.

Anyway, this is a sad little post for today. It'll get better.

BTW HILLARY

You dirty skank, get the HELL out of the race. Pack it in and show some slight dignity which I know must be hard for you.

Obama 4theWIN for the Dems.

ARE YOU F*CKIN' WITH ME?????

Yesterday I go in to the bakery. Miss Fiona asked that I warsh the dishes which I do. I scrub everything including these 2 shiny new cookie sheets then the next one is obviously old and well used, Lots of crusty black. Fiona watches me then says " Penny you SCRUB! *makes scrubbing gestures* You scrub HARD..make it like those two!" I'm looking at her and thinking of Bad Santa (are you fucking with me?????) Fiona cackles and says "I joke!"..HAHAHA!!!!

Yep, she was fucking with me.

I'm loving this little 4' Vietnamese lady more each day. She's a trip! I come in this moring and she is working on a "crooked" b-day cake. I was under the impression she did just traditional cakes and such, but NO! She has mad skillz! Holy shit! I'm eyeing that cake as she's working on it and then she tells me to make little roses, which I do. About 30 pink and yellow ones. My fkn hands were cramping but I was happy.

I'm happy that I'm in a good environment and am treated with respect. I'm happy that I'm learning a new trade that could possibly be kick ass. That depends on me and my motivation.

I'm motivated.

Check out this website. This is the level I want to achieve.

http://www.colettescakes.com/

If I can hang for a year and learn all I can from Fiona I want to take a few courses from Collette

We'll see!

Thanks for reading!

*hugs*

Only 8 Hours A Week???

I don't intend to complain here...but the cake lady only wants me from 9a-1p thurs. and fri. Pay is just above minimum wage which is ok, it's a start. Plus I look at it this way, she is paying me to learn her trade and the lady has the skills. I do wish the days were full days though so the pay would be a bit more but hopefully that will come in time.

I can understand how it is. Leasing a space, having the space built out with display cases and a front desk, huge walk in coolers and a mega convection oven, GIGANTIC mixer plus a regular Kitchen-Aide, sinks, prep table and such. It must have cost big bucks to get up and running, so the slight hours and pay has to be done. She is brave, but I also believe in time she is going to be a huge success. She has been open 6 weeks this week and she has really good customer flow. Awesome.

Today was my test day, which I figured out afterwards. She asked that I come in and ice and decorate a cake and so I did. She showed me first then I followed her example. It wasn't horrible, just ok, her methods are very different than what I'm used to. Then she taught me to pipe designs, which I did over and over. I didn't get frustrated which surprised me. I typically have little patience with myself and want things to be right the first time. No chance here. This is going to take loads of practice to build up skill and speed.

Don't get me started on the roses. It didn't matter though. I did them over and over, making about 40 or so voluntarily. Dumping them back in the icing bowl, stirring it up, filling the icing bag and doing it again and again. Some looked pretty decent and some were sad little boogers *laugh*

I think I can do this and it's fun and I think a good trade to learn. Tad said I'd most likely never want to make another cake as long as I live, but I don't know about that. I'll get up to speed and at that point I should be able to whip out a frigging masterpiece when I need one.

Then again he could be right!! haha...

I enjoyed myself and it was good to get out of the house and have somewhere to go and make a little moola while I'm at it. Miss Fiona was impressed enough to take me on and that feels great. Plus she seems like a very nice person, definitely patient!

Tomorrow is my 1st official "day at work"...yay! I'll have to take pictures of my work when my skills are honed.

Mini-Pies!

Here are the the mini-pie samples.

Top and bottom are sweet potato pie with pecan/brown sugar cust, with pastry leaves on the edge and center. The one on the left is an apple cranberry with star pastry top and the right is apple with lattice top.

My feets and back hurts. :P

Well...Looks Like I'll be...

Posting just on my blog from now on, considering the fucking boob is chock full of dip-shits. Not everyone, but holy hell too much of a % to make any effort as far as I'm concerned.

That aside I've made a few mini-pie samples tonight and will make cookie samples tomorrow to take to the new bakery. I hate to say but my hopes are too far up, but I know I'm a good enough baker and artistic enough to learn to make sugar flowers and such and become a pastry chef wanna be!

OohhhHHh I hope it works out!

I'll keep you posted :P

What to say....

Tad and I went to Gerry's "viewing" although I never look. I understand everyone has their way of grieving and trying to finalize death in some way, but for me, looking at the remains just isn's right.

I don't do that. I want to always remember Gerry as he was, a kick ass guy, sweet, childlike, and the man was very hurt by disaproval because he tried so hard and wanted nothing but to please.

I was basically tongue-tied talking to Gerry's wife Karen, it's really hard for me to know what to say. What I should have done was talked about everyday mundane things to try to put her focus on something other than what I know must be complete devastation.

What hurt the most was seeing the look on thier son's face. Louis is an amazing person, so is his sister Kathy. Louis looks so much like his dad, and the horrible look in his eyes just fucked me up. All I could do was hug him. Kathy, I was telling her how much of a character her dad was and that I loved him, and I don't know why it was easier with her than Louis. Maybe it was because Louis was really trying so hard to hold in his grief but I could see everything in his eyes. It was horrible.

I fucking hate unexpected death of a truly GOOD person. I'm not religious and trust me I have solid and valid reasons.

I can't write anymore tonight. Next time it'll be better.

Thank you Gerry, I'll have nothing but the best memories of you.

Good Grief

I used to work in the meteorite thin section lab at the Johnson Space Center. The Hypervelocity Impact Gun Lab was right next door where impact simulations took place to determine damage of orbital debris.

I went through a lot of stress due to work situations there, and Gerry Haynes, the gunner for the lab, always had an ear and time and also coffee ready when need be. It pains me to type this.

He was one of a rare breed out there. He actually cared about people, loved his work and was so meticulous at his job that I can't imagine anyone else ever coming close to filling his shoes.

Tad and I found out mid last week he was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. Then Tad came home from work Friday and had been told Gerry had a stroke and was back in ICU and they couldn't stop the bleeding in his brain and there was no brain activity.

It happened that fast.

You would just have had to know Gerry to understand. I'm devastated. I'm so happy for him though that his dying was quick. I wish everyone I love could be that fortunate.

Tad and I will go to his service and see all the people I used to work with. Some I'll be glad to see, some not, but that's ok.

I wish I would have gone to the hospital right after I'd heard the news, but that's the way it goes. I could have given him a hug and kiss and let him know how much I appreciated his being there when no one else was.

Eh....

It's kinda sad when I use the LARGEST letters possible because my eyes need upgrading. I desperately need a new prescription along with my she-parts and teeths checked.

Do I like that shit? NO. But it must happen and soon. *sigh*

I'm going to looove going to the Dr. and them telling me "gained a bit of weight, have we?" Yeah I fucking have and working on taking it off so blow my arse. It'll be horrific. I'll tell the Dr. just don't give me a funny look and do NOT say anything about my weight gain, comprende'? Blech.

I fkn despise having my junk probed except when The Husband does it! :P otherwise it's just I-C-K!

I just returned from my lunch date with Tad at Moguls and procrastinating finishing up the pain in the butt pillow for the bedroom. Bah. Then this evening after he leaves to spend time with his boy I will work out like a rabid hyena while watching one of the girly movies he hates such as Pride and Prejudice (it's in the dvd playa from last w/o).

I don't hate working out, but at times it can be tough to get motivated. It helps when I pick up my new favorite clothing catalogue of all time and look at the fit bodies wearing the kick ass clothes that I will kill to wear someday. Someday in the not too distant future. I know if I am really good to myself and look at my working out and watching the carb intake as giving a gift to myself, which it is. A HUGE gift....I'm pretty sure I can stay with it. I've made a few fairly big lifestyle changes and am feeling much much better these days both physically and mentally.

I've been through a lot of shit and grief these past few years. Actually truth be told it has been MANY years since I've felt really good about ANYthing.

Well....to be even more honest, I feel at peace most of the time now and I feel like I'm safe, and since I can't ever remember having a feeling of safety and peace then this is it for the first time. It saddens me to write those words, but that's the way it is.

I hated leaving my job due to the fucked circumstances. I hated knowing the shitheads in charge don't fucking care, literally, about anyone's well being unless you happen to kiss their ass and cover for them when they do shit they're not supposed to do, which is constant. You become an asshole licker then chances are you will be rewarded with pay and grade raises.

I was living in Hell for many many years, and it wasn't about the job itself. Yes it was redundant and I could do it in my sleep but so what? It was ok pay for the work, but the environment was horrendous. In the end I was a shell. Completely miserable, depressed and at times suicidal. I was drinking too much. I gained weight. I smoked. I didn't care how I looked.

It has taken this long for me to start recouping a little, to start to believe in myself again and my life has a value. I'm starting to feel human again and now I care a little more how I look. I need to work on being healthy again inside and out. It's been a very long time now since I've taken any time to care for myself, and it feels really good to want to.

Well, it's time to get sewing. Wheee!

:~)

Stuff

I spent all moring until 11:30 straightening the hair (30 mins) and applying sunless tanner (about 1.5 hour but that was prep work too.) I now look a little less albino and so far I think it looks natural enough.

Then I had lunch with Tad at Moguls. He took me there for my 1st time last year and now I'm hooked on Indian, at least Moguls Indian food. The weird thing is and I swear it's true..you'd best stay close to the facilities about an hour or so later because there's gonna come a gusher!! Delicate way to put it I know, but DAYUM. I guess the bright side is besides enjoying being with Tad and loving the food it also clears out the plumbing? :~P


Turrible.



I'm stunned at times about how inconsiderate and downright rude people can be. It's never been more apparent to me than now since I'm not working and do my running around during the day. I try to be accommodating and thoughtful to peeps but no matter on some occasions. Some people are going to do their best to try to speak to you in a way that they hope belittles you and in some screwed way in their mind helps them to feel superior. Little do they realize all they accomplish is making sure I'm aware that they must be desperately miserable people. Knock yourself out Fucko!



On a brighter note, in a previous post I mentioned My Love For All Things Mosaic so I took a few pics of my beloved mosaic crap that I really shouldn't have purchased but I did anyway. Or I whined until Tad bought whatever so I'd stfu about it. Poor Tad. I'm
so lucky. His luck I'm not sure about lol!




mosaic coasters that don't absorb crap







P.I.M.P. ass napkin rings. Oh yeah! Needed these!






Mosaic vase that I keep moving around all over the place, another needed item.









Flower vase, my favorite of all.


THE END

WHY?????

I don't get this.

We live in a fairly nice area. The neighborhood isn't exclusive or gated or any of that elitist shit, but it's a damn nice kinda upscale golf course type community.

Myself I enjoy keeping the yard looking nice. It's really not that much work and even when I had a job I still had plenty of time to spruce up the yard, plant flowers and such. I think every year we average spending about 300 or so on plants and mulch. We *do* have a lawn service that cost 60 a month for bi-weekly or 100 a month weekly.

I would say that a good 90% of the lawns get no care other than occasional hedge upkeep and mowing and edging the lawn. It seems to me that most people here don't care about color or flowers or landscape lights or anything other than mowing and trimming bushes if *that*.

There are many houses right around us that I know haven't done any maintenance on the bushes since I've lived here and that will be 3 years in May.

There is one house a street over that is so overgrown with bushes (the owners planted all kinds of weird looking plants and stuff along the sidewalk in front of the house) that you can't see much of the house at all. It surprises me because there is a strict homeowners assoc. here but I guess the "rules" don't apply to keeping yards looking neat I guess.

I don't understand it, but then again I love when the yard looks nice and colorful, and it makes me feel really good when we're out digging in the dirt and neighbors walk by and compliment the yard and say things like "you have the most beautiful yard" and how much they enjoy seeing what we've planted every year.

For the most part I love working in the yard and I don't do it with the thought of what anyone else thinks, but it does feel good to know that other people appreciate the work Tad and I do. :~)

Oh well, I got my bitch on and now it's time to work on my hooves. That's a bitchfest for another day.

I Have New Hair

I chopped the hair off right before Christmas. I likes it.

House pics

That's right, Hell just froze and I'm posting house pics.

Guest bedroom just about done. Need to iron duvet and pillow shams and make the bed, and either find or make window panels.


Complete guest bath


One of my bday presents


The other bday present, both from Tad, thank you sweetie *hugs*

I'd be really pissed if this were me, but it was so fkn funny I just had to!

Hoppy Belated Easter!

We had a fun filled Easter. Had the Egg Hunt in the front yard and Laura went spastic with excitement. I made jerk pork which Tad cooked on the grill and it was perfect (he is a Grill Massa!), mashed potatoes with jerk gravy and green beans. Laura had her usual mac & cheese with vegetables.





She came over both days in long pants so I made a Target run and bought her 4 new short sets that are adorable. I wish there were cool clothes for kids back when I was an ankle biter.









After all of the excitement and inhaling many chocolate eggs (she was bouncing off the walls with sugar shock) she passed out on the couch.






When they arrived Saturday Davis said he had something to show me and did a show & tell with his new braces. To me that was a major deal considering it's been pounded into his head I am evil and the one at fault for his parent's divorce, so I was really excited about his wanting to show off his teeth. I think in time and with me making more of an effort to get involved with him and his hobbies (PC games and The Golf) I think we'll be ok.

Tad is an amazing Father. Sometimes it makes me tear up a little when I watch him with his kids and it's clear how much love he has for them. He is so patient and gentle with them.

Not me! I could pinch their heads off :P I do ok, just don't have anywhere near the patience Tad has with them. He is consistent and I'm not. But being the Evil Step-Mother I do a good job I think.



It's such a beautiful day today. It's 66 degrees in the house and we slept with the windows open. I love that.



We've been watching the Doral Open and on one had I hated seeing Tiger lose ending his winning streak. On the other hand he usually plays so phenomenally well that it can get boring watching him, so the tension made for a good game.



I'm going to practice my swing in the backyard today and seriously fuck up the grass, then maybe do the toenails (ewwww! they is fugly) and get the clothes on to warsh and clean up the kitchen.





A bitch's work is never done.

Golf and Fajitas

My Tad has been very patient trying to teach me The Golf. I'd say we've hit the driving range at least once every weekend for a month or so, and I'm not doing bad as I thought I would. I'm actually making some decent shots with the sand wedge.

I'm liking The Golf. Tad is a monster playa. He can hit the damn ball so hard with a driver it disappears and he is pretty accurate. He makes it look so easy. It's not, not for me at this point anyway. I can tell with time it'll be like shooting pool in a way and I was crazy good pool playa in my day. We'll see. Hell it just feels good getting OUTSIDE and doing something else outdoors besides digging in the dirt.

The yard does look beautiful though. I really want to get started on landscaping the backyard. That'll cost! :)

Tomorrow is me birthday and I'll be 46. I've been drooling over a piece of art at Pier 1 and Tad bought it for me today. He also bought a beautiful tree print by William Vanscoy for me yesterday. It's fkn beautiful. I guess I'm going through a Tree phase at this time. I'll take pics and post them soon of the new stuff.

We finally got the posfkn bedroom painted praise allah. Did I mention I'm sick to death of painting? If I did I'm getting my bitch on about it a second time. I fucking hate it.

The bedroom will turn out well if it looks like I think it's gonna. Pics will happen!

Oh yeah, the fajitas were gooood. :)

Thanks for reading!

The Check came in da mail!

We finally got the check from the Chandelier Incident. $2404.06.
$2404.06 and it just missed me by a second or so.

I recently found the same chandelier 400 cheaper than the one from the website I faxed over. I think we've decided to get a different medallion because a solid one will cover (I think) the damage to the ceiling, that'll save $1110 in repairs, plus that medallion is about 50 cheaper. We probably won't replace the rug, not soon anyway, so that'll be another 260 in pocket.

Tad wrote out a 1600 check to me after depositing the ins check yesterday and I'm drooling.

Omfg the things I could do with that money.

Instead I'll be responsible and pay down a bill with it.

Whah.

After I buy a few gallons of paint and finish up the guest room I'll post pics. I'm so excited to be close to completing that project! Then I'll have the other guest room and the wall painting room redo is DONE.

I'm sick of painting.

Happy Birthday Miss Laura!

My beautiful little step-daughter will be 4 march 11th, so I thought I'd post a few pics in celebration of her upcoming birthday.

Flowers

And here I am, sitting on my arse taking a break from painting. The horror.



I love flowers. My Man buys flowers for me every few weeks and I put them in the gorgeous mosaic glass vase I just had to have from Pier One. He bought that for me too. I love my husband, he is SO good to me.

Not because he buys me things, because he wants me to be happy and I think he enjoys giving me little (and sometimes BIG if he has Big Monies at the time :P) things because I love almost all things shiny. And flowers. I was going through an I Have To Have Every Single Thing I See That Is Mosaic Glass phase. I think I've just about kicked it though.





Anyway, here's a pic. The flowers are starting to wilt since I've had them over a week now :P

My Very First Blogz!

WooHoo!

I'd given a lot of thought about having me very own blogspot.

I enjoy reading a few blogs here and there because since May of 07 I've become a hausfrau. I don't have a lot of contact with people during my day unless I go out, which most days I don't. Usually my contact is my husband and the two Evil Cats that sometimes make me crazy.

The Cats, not the husband, he is wonderful. The Cats are not. They fuck up our shit. I swear it's the truth that if something is within their reach they will fuck with it and in most cases fuck it up. If they don't fuck it up they get hair all over it which I think belongs in the Fuck With It category too.

I know at this point it sure must look as if I am hating on the Cats, but I really do not hate them. I just hate the hair and the (I guess) natural Fuck With It instincts that most cats seem to have.

And here is me on a bitch tear about the fucking Cats on my very first post. YAY!

I know The Husband gets weary (who wouldn't?) of hearing my bitch fest about the fucking Cats, so this blog should do the trick :P

In Other News I am redoing the two upstairs bathrooms and two of the guest bedrooms. One of the bathrooms is completely done, the other is painted but needs new towel racks and paper holder and art etc.

Completed bathroom pics

Next time I take bathroom pics I'll put the lid down. Blech.

I'll do before and after pics of the bedrooms when I can. Right...just as soon as I pry my ass OFF of my new blogz and get to priming *cry!*

Later!