What to say....

Tad and I went to Gerry's "viewing" although I never look. I understand everyone has their way of grieving and trying to finalize death in some way, but for me, looking at the remains just isn's right.

I don't do that. I want to always remember Gerry as he was, a kick ass guy, sweet, childlike, and the man was very hurt by disaproval because he tried so hard and wanted nothing but to please.

I was basically tongue-tied talking to Gerry's wife Karen, it's really hard for me to know what to say. What I should have done was talked about everyday mundane things to try to put her focus on something other than what I know must be complete devastation.

What hurt the most was seeing the look on thier son's face. Louis is an amazing person, so is his sister Kathy. Louis looks so much like his dad, and the horrible look in his eyes just fucked me up. All I could do was hug him. Kathy, I was telling her how much of a character her dad was and that I loved him, and I don't know why it was easier with her than Louis. Maybe it was because Louis was really trying so hard to hold in his grief but I could see everything in his eyes. It was horrible.

I fucking hate unexpected death of a truly GOOD person. I'm not religious and trust me I have solid and valid reasons.

I can't write anymore tonight. Next time it'll be better.

Thank you Gerry, I'll have nothing but the best memories of you.

Good Grief

I used to work in the meteorite thin section lab at the Johnson Space Center. The Hypervelocity Impact Gun Lab was right next door where impact simulations took place to determine damage of orbital debris.

I went through a lot of stress due to work situations there, and Gerry Haynes, the gunner for the lab, always had an ear and time and also coffee ready when need be. It pains me to type this.

He was one of a rare breed out there. He actually cared about people, loved his work and was so meticulous at his job that I can't imagine anyone else ever coming close to filling his shoes.

Tad and I found out mid last week he was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. Then Tad came home from work Friday and had been told Gerry had a stroke and was back in ICU and they couldn't stop the bleeding in his brain and there was no brain activity.

It happened that fast.

You would just have had to know Gerry to understand. I'm devastated. I'm so happy for him though that his dying was quick. I wish everyone I love could be that fortunate.

Tad and I will go to his service and see all the people I used to work with. Some I'll be glad to see, some not, but that's ok.

I wish I would have gone to the hospital right after I'd heard the news, but that's the way it goes. I could have given him a hug and kiss and let him know how much I appreciated his being there when no one else was.

Eh....

It's kinda sad when I use the LARGEST letters possible because my eyes need upgrading. I desperately need a new prescription along with my she-parts and teeths checked.

Do I like that shit? NO. But it must happen and soon. *sigh*

I'm going to looove going to the Dr. and them telling me "gained a bit of weight, have we?" Yeah I fucking have and working on taking it off so blow my arse. It'll be horrific. I'll tell the Dr. just don't give me a funny look and do NOT say anything about my weight gain, comprende'? Blech.

I fkn despise having my junk probed except when The Husband does it! :P otherwise it's just I-C-K!

I just returned from my lunch date with Tad at Moguls and procrastinating finishing up the pain in the butt pillow for the bedroom. Bah. Then this evening after he leaves to spend time with his boy I will work out like a rabid hyena while watching one of the girly movies he hates such as Pride and Prejudice (it's in the dvd playa from last w/o).

I don't hate working out, but at times it can be tough to get motivated. It helps when I pick up my new favorite clothing catalogue of all time and look at the fit bodies wearing the kick ass clothes that I will kill to wear someday. Someday in the not too distant future. I know if I am really good to myself and look at my working out and watching the carb intake as giving a gift to myself, which it is. A HUGE gift....I'm pretty sure I can stay with it. I've made a few fairly big lifestyle changes and am feeling much much better these days both physically and mentally.

I've been through a lot of shit and grief these past few years. Actually truth be told it has been MANY years since I've felt really good about ANYthing.

Well....to be even more honest, I feel at peace most of the time now and I feel like I'm safe, and since I can't ever remember having a feeling of safety and peace then this is it for the first time. It saddens me to write those words, but that's the way it is.

I hated leaving my job due to the fucked circumstances. I hated knowing the shitheads in charge don't fucking care, literally, about anyone's well being unless you happen to kiss their ass and cover for them when they do shit they're not supposed to do, which is constant. You become an asshole licker then chances are you will be rewarded with pay and grade raises.

I was living in Hell for many many years, and it wasn't about the job itself. Yes it was redundant and I could do it in my sleep but so what? It was ok pay for the work, but the environment was horrendous. In the end I was a shell. Completely miserable, depressed and at times suicidal. I was drinking too much. I gained weight. I smoked. I didn't care how I looked.

It has taken this long for me to start recouping a little, to start to believe in myself again and my life has a value. I'm starting to feel human again and now I care a little more how I look. I need to work on being healthy again inside and out. It's been a very long time now since I've taken any time to care for myself, and it feels really good to want to.

Well, it's time to get sewing. Wheee!

:~)