Eh....

It's kinda sad when I use the LARGEST letters possible because my eyes need upgrading. I desperately need a new prescription along with my she-parts and teeths checked.

Do I like that shit? NO. But it must happen and soon. *sigh*

I'm going to looove going to the Dr. and them telling me "gained a bit of weight, have we?" Yeah I fucking have and working on taking it off so blow my arse. It'll be horrific. I'll tell the Dr. just don't give me a funny look and do NOT say anything about my weight gain, comprende'? Blech.

I fkn despise having my junk probed except when The Husband does it! :P otherwise it's just I-C-K!

I just returned from my lunch date with Tad at Moguls and procrastinating finishing up the pain in the butt pillow for the bedroom. Bah. Then this evening after he leaves to spend time with his boy I will work out like a rabid hyena while watching one of the girly movies he hates such as Pride and Prejudice (it's in the dvd playa from last w/o).

I don't hate working out, but at times it can be tough to get motivated. It helps when I pick up my new favorite clothing catalogue of all time and look at the fit bodies wearing the kick ass clothes that I will kill to wear someday. Someday in the not too distant future. I know if I am really good to myself and look at my working out and watching the carb intake as giving a gift to myself, which it is. A HUGE gift....I'm pretty sure I can stay with it. I've made a few fairly big lifestyle changes and am feeling much much better these days both physically and mentally.

I've been through a lot of shit and grief these past few years. Actually truth be told it has been MANY years since I've felt really good about ANYthing.

Well....to be even more honest, I feel at peace most of the time now and I feel like I'm safe, and since I can't ever remember having a feeling of safety and peace then this is it for the first time. It saddens me to write those words, but that's the way it is.

I hated leaving my job due to the fucked circumstances. I hated knowing the shitheads in charge don't fucking care, literally, about anyone's well being unless you happen to kiss their ass and cover for them when they do shit they're not supposed to do, which is constant. You become an asshole licker then chances are you will be rewarded with pay and grade raises.

I was living in Hell for many many years, and it wasn't about the job itself. Yes it was redundant and I could do it in my sleep but so what? It was ok pay for the work, but the environment was horrendous. In the end I was a shell. Completely miserable, depressed and at times suicidal. I was drinking too much. I gained weight. I smoked. I didn't care how I looked.

It has taken this long for me to start recouping a little, to start to believe in myself again and my life has a value. I'm starting to feel human again and now I care a little more how I look. I need to work on being healthy again inside and out. It's been a very long time now since I've taken any time to care for myself, and it feels really good to want to.

Well, it's time to get sewing. Wheee!

:~)