Frankentitty

Once again I didn't want to cook so we pick up Popeye's. Somewhere in a conversation I'm talking about how the boob will look after surgery and telling Tad most likely I'm going to freak the fuck out all over again. So he says "frankentitty" or it may have been boobie, but it was funny.

I know it won't be funny this time next week, and I'm stressing about seeing myself for the first time. I imagine I'll go into shock again and it may last for a while. Lots of crying and not to mention it'll be painful. I hope I get really good pain meds and if the fucking insurance will cave on the Lexapro I can start taking them and it'll start to work before surgery.

This is going to be hard shit but as everything else in life it will get better. I have to keep strong and do what I can to be healthy. I can do Popeye's every so often too if I want.

I ought to call the insurance company myself and tell them what is happening and they can hear me cry about this shit. I'm not going to waste my energy on that being as insurance company's primary interest is to do as little as possible, so if a certain med cost THEM a lot to cover they refuse even though you badly need it.

It's 2p and I'm still in my pajamas and haven't brushed my teeth yet so I need to get cracking.

I'm doing very well considering

I think my mind set is getting better. Plus I've been looking at post mastectomy pictures for a long while now so I'll be as prepared as you can be just looking at pics, for what I'm going to look like. What I'm focusing on now is food. Organic produce and such and cutting back on red meat and ANY meat with hormones. Soy milk, tofu and soy beans are all good for cancer patients, I just have to be sure to get enough protein.

I have a vegetarian friend that's going to outline his daily eating habits so that'll be a help.

I did talk with the plastic surgeon and he said as long as radiation doesn't scar my pectoral muscle and cause it to harden, then I'll have a very good chance of a nice reconstruction. I wish I didn't have to have radiation. The side effects can be lung cancer and heart disease. Chemotherapy isn't a peach either but I've been reading non stop about all of the treatments and it looks like radiation is a fucker.

Nothing I can do about it though so I may as well chillax.

I had an EKG, pee/pregnancy test and blood test this morning, pre-op stuff.

My Oncologist called in a prescription for Lexapro so I can start taking anti-depressants to help with the shock I'm about to go through.

Tad has been absolutely incredible. We've had a blowup but we're both stressed. He's taken me to all the appt.s, and been right there in the room during everything. I am SO fucking lucky. I really think if I didn't have him I don't know that I would have done anything about this, considering the mental state I was in. I probably would have been happy about it, and it pains me to admit that. I was in horrible shape back then...

Anyway, I'm doing well and preparing myself as best I can. My sister is coming in Wed. to be there for surgery and probably boss people around. She is a trauma unit nurse in Dallas so I just know she is going to make sure everyone is on top of what they should be, poor medical staff. That's just fine with me but do NOT piss of the surgeon!

The Latest

I met with my Oncologist, Dr. Craig Kovitz at MD Anderson here in Clear Lake.

I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma III. He said he felt that most likely I would need a full mastectomy due to the size of the mass, but he did say that once he and the other oncologists and surgeons view all of the images of my mammogram, MRI and sonogram, plus after they test the rest of me to be sure there is no other cancer going on other than my breast, then they'll make their recommendation (or several if there is a possibility of a lumpectomy vs mastectomy) and we go from there.

I've contacted my plastic surgeon and should hear back from his office tomorrow. Maybe I can have reconstructive surgery at the time of mastectomy, or I may have to wait a year or so. There is a lot still up in the air right now.

I also went by Becky's Wig & Mastectomy shop and was stunned at the amount of wigs....thousands!!!!! I found a few that look ok, but a wig is a wig. I don't know what's going to be more stressful, the loss of one of my pretty she-bits or being a fucking baldy. I think if it wasn't for the baldness it was sure as hell be much easier to take. Well, looking on the brighter side at least there are wigs to be had that really don't look too shabby. I can grow another boob, I know it won't be a match, but shit.....

I've become upset a few times and cried and asked Tad if this is going to have an affect (as in our sex life), and he said "Penny, I didn't marry you because of the bag of meat you happen to walk around in."

That made me laugh.

I'm so lucky. I hope my luck holds out and the rest of me is clean.

I'll update again when I know more.