So far

I guess this fkn blog took off the color and bold text options.

Oh well, it's free and I shouldn't bitch. Much.

I'm still waiting to hear. I'm going between severe crying jags, fits of distemper, thinking about dying like a dog, and hoping that I won't, that is IF I have cancer. I have odd bits of calm in there too. Dead calm.

Lot's of thoughts or as my sister says "just don't mind fuck yourself". I wonder who doesn't have some mind fuckage when faced with this shit.

Yes I want to know, but then again this morning I was rushing trying to get the fuck out of the house and buy new undies just in case, went to Mass Nursery and fed the tortoise, looked at all the pretty plants and cried and cried. I wish I could run away and never get that call. I was dreading coming home.

The sister suggested I call my doc and ask for an anti-anxiety med, so I did that. It should be ready in about 10 minutes but I ASKED FOR IT THIS MORNING.

So to calm my ass down I took 2 Benadryl and unfortunately am sucking down a vodka and cranberry juice libation. Fuck it.

The very worst part is going to be that call if it's confirmed I have cancer and then having to call my parents. That alone makes me wish I could just die right here and never have to do that.